Lost & Found
by addictedtofanfic
Summary: An AU version to what could have happened around the cancer storyline.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Lost & Found  
Author: addictedtofanfic / sprinkles  
Email: G  
Category: Angst / Romance / Drama  
Summary:  
Part One: Emily Quartermaine has lost herself, lost an understanding of who she is. Nikolas Cassadine tells her something she wasn't ready for, and it causes her to realize that small fact, so she moves away, not telling anyone where she is going or when she'll be back.  
Part Two: Emily Quartermaine has finished her time in Australia and is moving back home, in time for her brother Jason Morgan's wedding. Everyone is curious to where she's been, but she's not giving answers. During the wedding she faints, and her family and her best friend, Lucky Spencer, find out one of her secrets.  
Part Three: Since no one has told Emily that Nikolas is back from Greece, Emily thinks she is being visited by him in her dreams. When she finally 'awakens' to find out he really was by her side, will it have the ending they've all been waiting for?  
NOTES: Forget everything that has happened on the show. Clear your mind of all plots, just remember what kind of relationships people had before. (friends, family, enemies)  
Disclaimer: The characters depicted are the property of ABC-TV and ABC Daytime. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.

**Lost and Found  
Prologue: It's Hard For Me**

_It's hard for me to say the things  
I want to say sometimes  
There's no one here but you and me  
And that broken old street light  
Lock the doors  
We'll leave the world outside  
All I've got to give to you  
Are these five words when I…_

"Nikolas." 

"Emily? Is that you? What's wrong?"

"I can't find anyone."

"Come to Wydemere, honey. I'll be waiting in the gardens."

_Thank you for loving me  
For being my eyes  
When I couldn't see  
For parting my lips  
When I couldn't breathe  
Thank you for loving me  
Thank you for loving me_

In the gardens of Wyndemere sat Nikolas Cassadine, silently waiting for his best friend, hoping that whatever had happened, she would be okay. Hearing someone coming behind him, he turned.

"Nik" Was all Emily had to say before she was in his arms, being held. 

"It's okay. Just cry. Let it all out."

"Why do I do this to myself? I can't believe this."

"Is it the . . . the cancer?" Nikolas asked, scared out of his mind of what she was going to tell him next. "Did someone find out? Did your test results come back?"

"Nik, I won't loose you will I? Even if something were to happen…"

_I never knew I had a dream  
Until that dream was you  
When I look into your eyes  
The sky's a different blue  
Cross my heart  
I wear no disguise  
If I tried, you'd make believe  
That you believed my lies…_ "No, your not going to loose me. Never. Just tell me what's wrong. What happened?"

"Everything and nothing. Jason went to find Courtney. A.J. and Grandfather are working out ELQ deals and wanting Michael to join the family. My blood cell count is low again. I got into a fight with Liz. I can't find Lucky anywhere…and I just thought…I don't know."

"It has to be more than that." Nikolas said simply, reading through her lies.

_You pick me up when I fall down  
You ring the bell before they count me out  
If I was drowning you would part the sea  
And risk your own life to rescue me_  
"Hey, Em." Nikolas smiled, backing away from the embrace. "It's fine you came to me, alright. I'm honored."

"No its not. I'm always coming to you…and I'm the strong one, depending on no one. And why should I?" Emily's head dropped.

_Lock the doors  
We'll leave the world outside  
All I've got to give to you  
Are these five words when I…  
_"Why do you think that? Do you think no one cares about you? You are so wrong." Nikolas took one hand to her cheek gently as the other lifted her chin to face him. "I've been so naive, so away from you, away from everyone, consumed in my family's problems, losing Gia, and taking my anger out on everyone…especially you. I'm sorry for that."

Emily's eyes locked on Nikolas' as he continued. 

"Do you know how much I would miss you if you weren't here, bugging me for favors, asking me to take on the world? Do you know how many times I've wanted to thank you for being my friend…through everything?"

_Thank you for loving me  
For being my eyes  
When I couldn't see  
You parted my lips  
When I couldn't breathe  
Thank you for loving me_

"Don't you know…don't you know how much I love you?"

_When I couldn't fly  
Oh, you gave me wings  
You parted my lips  
When I couldn't breathe  
Thank you for loving me_

Nikolas noticed Emily's eyes slowly darken.

(Bon Jovi / Thank You for Loving Me / 2000

**Part One: Therapy in Australia**

Chapter One

_Note: Over the course of one year Emily Quartermaines stays in a physiatrist clinic in Australia. What is inside these chapters may not go in order; sometimes they may not quite make perfect sense. _

"Welcome, Emily, to your first session. We're going to start with some questions, easy ones. You can ask me anything you like. We'll start with this one…have you ever been to Australia before?"

"No." 

"Okay. While I can tell you that there are tour guides here that will take you out."

"Aren't they more like nurses?"

"I suppose. But they are here to help you get out into the community; get relaxed in a new place. I know you are far away from home. Where are you from, Emily?"

"Originally Arizona. But I got adopted and moved to Port Charles, New York." 

"Which place do you consider home now?"

"Port Charles…"

"Why do you think that is?"

"Because the only person I had in Arizona was my mom, and she left me in New York with the Quartermaines."

"Do you hate her for that?" 

"No. I guess I never really hated her for moving us, just for leaving me."

"You wrote that you went to Arizona with a friend not long after that. Would you like to tell me about it?" 

"Okay. I guess. I went with my new friend, Lucky. He's my best friend now. He has the kookiest half-grin that makes anyone laugh. But while we were in Arizona he made me understand why my mom chose to leave me with the Quartermaines. She knew that Monica would take care of me."

"Is she your adoptive mother?" 

"Yes. We met in one of those cancer-clinics in Arizona." 

"I know that you also have cancer. Are you afraid?" 

"Yes. But not so much. I was afraid of dying, but then I figured, who would miss me."

"You don't think your friends and family care about you?"

Emily ignored the question. "They lean on me. They tell me everything about their life, good and bad. They say I am a blessing to them, that they wouldn't want to lose me."

"You write that you've lost yourself, and that is why you're here. Does anyone know you're here?"

"No. I don't think so. I just disappeared after talking with a friend."

"Don't you think that friend would care to know where you are?"

"No. Because I don't want him to."

"Did you tell him that?"

"Of course. Nikolas and I got in a big fight."

"Is that his name, Nikolas?"

"Yes."

"And why did you get into a fight?"

"He told me…he told me he…you know what, I don't want to talk about it. Can we go on to something else."

"Okay. Our time is almost up, but I have to ask you a question. Would you be writing letters back home, receiving letters, or none all together? I ask this because you came here without telling anyone back home. Where do they think you are?" 

"They think I'm in college at Stanford. I'd like to write to Jason every once in awhile, but for people to contact me…I don't think so. Maybe Jason, my older brother, though."

"Why Jason? Is he a big part of your life back home?"

"Jason wouldn't tell anyone where I was. If I asked him not to find me, he wouldn't. He doesn't get along with the family much, they mostly leave each other alone. I can trust him."

"Has he been like a protector to you?"

"Basically, yes."

"Do you trust anyone else?"

"I don't think so. I trust Nikolas and Lucky, but not as much as Jason. I want to be able to trust people more though."


	2. Family

**Chapter Two: Family**

"How about this question. Have you gotten along with your family?"

"Sometimes. Everyone is always fighting. I play referee most of the time."

"Do you like playing referee?"

"No. There was an accident one time, and everyone hated each other more. I couldn't understand, because he was still alive – he wasn't gone forever, like my mom." 

"Who was in the accident, who is 'he'?"

"My brother Jason. His brain kind of got switched and everyone hated him when he woke up. They couldn't understand why he was different, why he didn't know who they were. He even changed his name."

"Were you mad at Jason? Were you mad at the person who put him in the accident?"

"No. I was a little angry at A.J., he's my other brother, but then everyone else was too. He was driving drunk at Jason was trying to talk to him. They went into a tree and the car wrapped around it. I wasn't mad at Jason though, not like everyone else. I didn't really know him, because I had just gotten there not that long ago."

"So what happened then?"

"Jason changed his last name to Morgan, my grandmother's maiden name. He rebuilt himself, made himself into a new person with a new job for life. I told him it was okay, that he could be however he wanted." 

"Would you like to rebuild yourself, just like Jason has?" 

"Yes. Maybe. I'd like to learn not to burden myself anymore, how to let go of things. Nikolas yelled at me because I told him I couldn't…lo…care for him."

"Why is that?" 

"I don't know. I guess that's why I am here." 

"Well, over the next few months, we can help you with that. You just have to be willing to talk."

"Okay."

Emily followed the therapist out of the room and down the hall. She went into her room and opened a book. After reading a few chapters, she slowly fell asleep.


	3. Friends

**Chapter Three: Friends**

"Today I would like to talk about the friends in your life. You've mentioned Lucky before. Let's talk about him."

"Okay. What can I say about Lucky…he's my best friend. He's been there for me through the good times, and the bad times. He was the first person I met when moving to Port Charles."

"Do you think Lucky understands you?"

Emily was silent for a long time. "I think so. When we were younger he took me back to Arizona. I didn't tell anyone that that was where I wanted to go, but he knew I needed to close up my past there. But lately he's been to busy."

"Why?"

"Because he broke up with Liz. I listened to all his rants about loving her, and why they broke up."

"Who is Liz? Is she another friend?"

"Yes. Liz is my first girl friend. We have had movie nights, chili with Lucky at Ruby's. We even went through Lucky's so-called-death together."

"What do you mean? Lucky almost died?"

"No. But we thought he had. Nikolas and Lucky are brothers, half brothers by their mother. Nikolas' grandmother is kind of a witch, she hates everything Spencer, and so she and one of her people made it seem like Lucky was dead so they could brainwash him."

"Oh, I see. What do you think about Nikolas and Lucky being brothers?"

"I couldn't really understand it at first, why they were so angry with each other. But then me and Liz pushed them to be friends. We started hanging out more, and we became the four musketeers."

"The four musketeers?"

"Yep – all for one, and one for all was our pact. We'd stick together through thick and thin, no matter what happened. But Liz and Lucky broke up, and Nikolas found Gia. I guess our friendships that used to be intertwined were broken." 

"Do you feel like it was your fault, like you were apart of it?"

"No. Not really."

"It seems to me you do."

"Well, a little I guess. I know that everyone has to grow up, move on, find different people to…"

"To care about? Do you feel that they left you behind?"

"Yes. I kept on falling, falling. All I ever seemed to do was run to Jason when I was little, and I couldn't do that anymore. Every time I went over there, someone was always there to find me crying – but him. I didn't want to mess with all the other people in his life. I couldn't run to Lucky."

"Why not?"

"He'd either see right through me, or do his normal thing of joking everything off, trying to make me laugh."

"You wrote that you came here after a fight, which we already said was with Nikolas. Were you scared of 'ruining' Nikolas' relationship and his life like Lucky's?"

"Yes. He was so happy with Gia, even though she had hurt me in the past, he didn't seem to mind…I suppose he just forgot."

"How had Gia hurt you?"

"By blackmailing me. I was a model then. I don't want to talk about that, could we please pass by it?"

"Of course….were you hurt by Nikolas being happy with a person who used to be an enemy?" 

"Kind of. It's like it always has been…everyone just leaves me."

"Before you came here, did Nikolas tell you that night that he wouldn't leave - is that why you got scared?" 

"Yes. I suppose that was what I needed, though…"

"You were just scared to admit it to yourself."

"Yes." 

"And its good that you have finally admitted to yourself that something is wrong with you. That makes it easier to go through this process."

"How long do you think I will be here?" 

"However long you want to be, Emily. However long you want."


	4. Nightmares

**Chapter Four: Nightmares**

_Song included: Garth Brooks / Pushing Up Daisies from SCARECROW _Emily had turned on the radio before going to bed and she had chosen a simple country station. The nurse had been fine with that, and Emily had fallen asleep hours earlier. The nurse heard the American tunes and started humming to them, before hearing Emily tossing and turning in her bed. Not unusual for patients to do this, she simply walked up to the window near the door to see if Emily needed to be woken up, slowly opening the door so she could hear talking.

…Sometimes I tell you the way that I feel  
I swear that I'm going crazy  
Keep telling myself it ain't that big a deal  
It's better than pushing up daisies

I felt the arrow from death's fatal quiver  
Come so close it actually grazed me  
I bled the blood and I've felt the cold shiver   
God only knows how He saved me

My mother died but somehow she keeps living  
She'll never cease to amaze me…

_"What do you mean, I have cancer? . . . It's just like my mothers…No, I'm sure, I don't want anyone to know…I said I was sure!" _

There's two dates in time that they'll carve on your stone  
And everyone knows what they mean  
What's more important is the time that is known  
In that little dash there in between  
That little dash there in between…

Sometimes my heart is as true as a dove  
Sometimes my heart it betrays me  
So I draw my sword for to fight for my love  
But without a whisper she slays me

_Emily's dreams were getting more frantic, and she was talking for two people, as if she was outside a bubble looking in._

"Don't you…don't you know how much I love you?"

They were both silent for what seemed like forever, before Emily spoke up.

"No…no. You can't love me, Nikolas."

"Why not? I have been for a long time; I've just never said it…"

"Don't you see? No one can…."

"No one can love you? Yet you can run yourself ragged by supposedly 'loving' and taking care of everyone?" 

"No, you don't understand…No one does…"

"Then make me understand, Em…please make me understand." Nikolas silently waited a few seconds, trying to read her eyes. "Your scared, aren't you?...Em, I know you better than anyone else…and that's just it, isn't it? I know more about you than your willing to admit to yourself."

"How can I love you back? I've done nothing to deserve it." Emily tore her arm away from Nikolas' grip.

As Emily starts walking away, Nikolas begins, "You would do anything in your power…"

The nurse ran in as Emily was about to crash onto the floor, trying to whip herself away from the dream.

"Emily…Emily…wake up, Emily…" The nurse gently shook her while getting her back on the bed, as Emily finally awoke.

"Emily, are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I think. What happened?"

"You seemed to be having a horrible nightmare. Do you need to speak to your doctor?" 

"It can wait until morning."

"Do you need anything?"

"Yes. I would like to write to my brother. Would you get me an envelope when I'm ready to send it?"

"Of course." Turning the lights on and the music off, the nurse bid goodnight as Emily slowly made her way to the comfort of the huge soft dish chair, pushing her knees to her chest and grabbing a notebook and pen.

Jason,  
I know you must be worried sick about me. I'm sorry I've been out of contact with everyone in Port Charles for the last month. How is everything? I must admit I just woke up from a nightmare…but Jase, I'm okay. They were playing on the radio Pushing Up Daises, and you know how that song makes me think of my mom.

I'm sorry I can't tell you where I am. Just know that I am safe, and happy. No one made me come here, I came here myself, alone. Please visit the house and tell everyone that, calm their fears. I know you don't like going there, but visit Lila. She loves you, and you've seemed so far away from her the last time I was home. Please give Michael a hug for me, and tell Lucky to do the same to Lulu.

Please don't find me. Please don't ask Sonny, Lucky, or anyone else to track me down. I don't know if anyone knows I am gone even, besides Nikolas. Oh, Jason. Please don't interrogate him! He doesn't know where I went, and I asked him not to follow me. I talked to him the last night I was home and realized that I haven't been the same for a long time. Something changed within me and I'd like to fix it. I don't quite understand myself.

I will be writing to you, and only you. Although I don't want any contact back. Please. I know this is hard for the both of us, you probably want to ask me what the heck am I thinking, but then again you'll always end with 'its your decision' anyway, right Jase? That's what I love most about you, you know. You never waste any time being sorry or judging people's decisions.

Love and hugs, Em


	5. Writing

**Chapter Five: Writing**

"Emily, I've noticed that you like to write. We won't talk much today, I want you to use today to write down each person's name and how you have helped them, or how they have helped you. It will help, because sometimes when people don't have the courage to say things, they write them down instead. Then in a couple days we will talk about it, okay?"

"All right." 

"And I want you to start keeping a journal."

Monica & Alan  
I have become their daughter. I have helped them not fight with each other so much. They say I am their 'blessing'. Sometimes I think its true, other times I don't. I'm glad they wanted me to come live with them; I don't know what I would have done, where I would have gone. I've hurt them so many times – trying drugs, trying to fly off the roof, and now hiding my cancer from them.

Zander  
Zander was one of my first loves, almost like Juan – but more. I don't know why I felt I had to stay with him as long as I did though. I don't know why I pushed him away, I just had to. He probably would have stood by me through anything, but I didn't want him to suffer that way. He was my kidnapper, and I saved Jason from shooting him. Sometimes I don't even think he's thankful for that, he's always saying sarcastically something about Jason's protectiveness for me. Maybe that's why I can't be with him anymore, why I don't love him. Zander doesn't get along with my family, much less like them. I got burned by Juan, then by Zander…by everyone. I figured he'd eventually leave me, everyone does. So I thought…I guess…that I could drop him first.

Lucky  
Lucky has always been my friend since the first week I came to Port Charles. I have listened to him through all of his life, and he has listened to me through all of mine. His nickname for me has always been 'brat' and I can't wait until I go home to hear his voice say it again. When we were younger people thought it was weird that a boy and a girl were best friends and nothing more, but it didn't matter to us. Sometimes I pretend that he's not in my life, and then I'm overcome with this urgency to see him again, to know he's still my best friend…truthfully, I couldn't live a day without seeing that wicked grin. I know he'll never leave me, and he'll always be my friend – but sometimes he seems far away, and we don't talk much anymore. He's one of the only people to make me laugh in the hardest times. He's also learned how to find people – whether you want to be found or not. (and right now, I'm hoping not to be found here…what would he think?)

Jason  
Jason is like my big brother, my protector. He's my favorite in the family because he doesn't let problems get to him. His friend Sonny is nice to me; he calls me "little one" in Spanish. Sometimes I hate that, but most of the time I like it, its special. Sonny's wife is Carly, and I never really got along with her when she first met me, because back then she was going 'after' both my brothers. But now I understand her a little bit more, and we get along. Carly has a son named Michael and he is so handsome with his red hair. I can't believe sometimes that I am a godmother.

Nikolas  
I had a crush on him when I was younger, but he didn't really seem to mind. He was always into the older girls. He wrecked our friendship on my sixteenth birthday, but somehow we mended back together again. Lucky says he has a "Prince Complex" that holds Nikolas away from disappointment, and that's why Nikolas 'does the things he does'. 

Since we're on the 'prince thing', I remember Nikolas' uncles' bacchanalias and dances that they held at Wyndemere. Whenever I danced with Nikolas . . . I felt like…I almost felt like I was flying, that I was in a great dream.

On our last day before I left, he told me…he told me that he has loved me for a long time, without ever saying it. How can he say that? I don't know exactly why I said I don't deserve to be loved…but I said it, and I won't and can't take it back. Maybe that's why I came here. It's not like Nikolas pushed me here, he just pushed me to the point where I could see the stupid things I was doing to myself. Nikolas has always been the person to get me to see the truth – whether I want to hear it or not. That makes him a little like Jason I guess…maybe its one of the reasons Nikolas and I get along so well.

But I don't need another brother. Jason, A.J, Lucky and so many more people in Port Charles are like my family. I just thought that since Nikolas always saw me as his little sister, that maybe it was true, and would be forever. Then I would be safe, I wouldn't have to live up to expectations of being someone's girlfriend again. I get burned too much by being someone's "significant other".

**Chapter Six: Journal Time**

Today was amazing. I learned how to sail, and went swimming with the dolphins off the coast – I even 'kissed' one! It was like a group retreat, so all of us went together. I've been learning a lot more about my emotions with others, how to not let things get to me so much.

I am so scared of loosing my hair. I know this thought is vain and shallow, but…ugh. I don't even know why it scares me. One of the group members complimented me on my bandana during our trip. Maybe that's what got me started thinking about it. Am I going to be wearing hats for the rest of my life? . . . how long do I even have? . . . when, if ever, will I be in remission? . . . If I do go into remission, will the cancer ever come back? The doctor said there is a chance it would come back, although someplace else in the body. I'm so freaked out right now, just thinking about it. It's the only thing on my mind right now, and it's hard to think of something else…

_Whenever I'm weary of the battles that ragged in my head, you made sense of the madness when my sanity hung by a thread_…I've been reading poetry lately, mostly by the 'unknowns'. I sit out on the docks, overlooking the ocean here, and I can see for miles. I think I could stay here forever…but then, I know I have to return to Port Charles someday. Something will bring me back, hopefully something good. I've been writing to Jason, and he had someone track down my address – so he is sending letters back. He met Sonny's sister a month ago, and Carly is possibly pregnant – she's showing all the signs. Jason said Lucky is thinking about becoming a cop, but he doesn't know any more than that. I can just see Luke now, saying Lucky betrayed him or something. Wow, my best friend – a cop-wannabe.

Jason told me that Nikolas left Port Charles not long ago, back to Greece. It was supposed to be a business trip, but Elizabeth has told Jason it's for good. I wonder why…I remember all the times that Nikolas told me about riding horses on the beach there. We did that yesterday, and it was, well…it felt so freeing, with the wind blowing around. It was almost like the horse and myself were the only things on the beach…

Jason sent me an envelope with Elizabeth's scrawl on it, he said that she dropped it off with the doorman at the penthouse. Inside was a flyer for her first gallery opening. Wow! I wish I could see it, Elizabeth is such a great painter. We always told her that she'd make it someday. She also said Luke left Lucky behind – again. Luke's decided to run off and find Laura. Well, that's not new. I wish I could visit Lulu, she must feel so alone again. To do that to a kid – while, at least she's got Grandma Lesley, and Lucky still.

Jason is getting married in three weeks! I've just received word from Sonny about it – he says that Jason is so excited and couldn't wait to tell me. Things have just kept him busy though. They even sent money for a plane ticket back home! Wow, and I can't wait to meet Courtney.


	6. Part 2: Going Home, Ch1: One Year Later

**Part Two: Going Home: One Year Later**

Includes the song: Garth Brooks "Learning To Live Again"

**Chapter One**

Inside the Australian Physiatrist Clinic

Emily's last day at the clinic…

"What would you like to talk about today? You'll be going home soon. Are you afraid?"

"No. Not really. My brother Jason is getting married at the end of the week." 

"Yes. We've talked about how Jason is a big part of your life. Are you happy for him?"

"Very much, although I haven't met her. Jason deserves to be happy."

"Its good your looking forward to going home. Are you excited to see anyone else?"

"Grandmother. Grandfather. My parents."

"Any friends?"

"I guess…Lucky, for one."

"I remember. You told me he was your first friend when you moved to Port Charles. Why do you think his name popped in your mind first?" 

"Because he knows how to make me laugh. He also knows how to figure out when you get to town, no matter if he knew where in the world you were or not."

"Is there anyone else? What about the friend who paints?"

"Liz? Yes, I suppose. Movie nights, chili with her and Lucky at Ruby's, sundaes at Kelly's, but…"

After a long silence, the therapist prompted the young woman. "Yes…Emily, are you scared of something there?" 

"Nikolas. Everyone. I don't know where I stand with everyone, but especially Nikolas."

"Why? Did you push him away? I know this is what you don't want to talk about, but if we could just try…"

"Because he's been like a surrogate big brother and before I left…something happened. He changed." 

"Did he start to care?"

"Yes." A single tear dropped down Emily's cheek, and she silently whispered so the therapist had to lean in to hear, "…I didn't deserve his love." 

The therapist simply whispered, "But have you learned to now? . . ." and then raised her voice to end the session. "Good luck with going home, Emily."

**One week later, Emily arrives at Sonny's penthouse from the airport…**

"Hi Max" Emily said to the man at the door, stepping out of the elevator.

"Miss Quartermaine? Is that really you?" Max was shocked, he hadn't seen Jason's sister around for a long time. The last time any of them had seen her was the day before the night she disappeared…she came tearing in, crying hysterically, looking for Jason, who was out of the country that night.

"Yes, it's really me. Is Jason here, no one answered down the hall." 

"Yes," Max replied, opening the door a little and peeking his head in.

"Yes Max?" Sonny replied, looking up from his spot on the couch.

"A Miss Quartermaine here to see you." With that, Max let her in.

Jason turned around from his chair facing the fireplace, "Em! I knew you'd make it." Jason said, embracing his sister.

"Hi Sonny." Emily said, as soon as Jason released her.

"Hi, el pequeño." Sonny said.

Emily reached over and lightly punched Sonny in the shoulder. "I'm not a little one any more!"

"She's got that right." Carly said, coming down the stairs.

"Hey Carly. How's the baby?" Emily asked.

"Kicking all the time!" Carly glanced at Sonny, then to Jason. "You two get out of here, you can work later."

"Carly's right, you have a lot to catch up on." Sonny agreed.

"Alright."

"See you all tomorrow." And with that, they left the building.

"Jase?" 

"Yeah Em," Jason replied, turning around to face her. "Are you alright? We've you been?"

"I'm fine. Nowhere and everywhere. I took a little break."

"You want to get some air and go to Kelly's? I'll treat you to a sundae, and we can talk."

"That sounds great. I haven't seen anyone else in town yet."

"Well, where are you staying?" 

"Not sure yet." Emily replied, walking into Kelly's with Jason holding the door and following her in.

"Not wanting to go to the Q mansion wars?"

"How did you guess? Am I that easy to read?"

"Mostly." Jason smiled. "You could always stay with me."

"No" A husky voice said from a table around the corner. "I think the brat should stay with me."

Jason turned around, Emily did not. "Spencer," she grinned, finally turning around.

Lucky returned her smile with his own unique one. "How did you know it was me?"

"You're the only one who has ever called me brat, my whole life that nickname has stuck between us."

"Lets get down to business. I'll share mine. Liz got her own gallery, Nik's still in Greece, and my dads been trying to follow my mother. How are things? We've ya been causing trouble?"

"No where. Just took a break from everything."

"Well, it makes you look a whole lot healthier. Reminds me of the time we went to Arizona. You went away looking like hell, and you came back looking like an angel." 

Emily's eyes fell, but her face showed no emotion. Jason didn't catch it, but Lucky did.

"Gosh, Em. I'm sorry." 

"No, its alright. Just brings back memories long forgotten, that's all."

_Flashback_

After a long silence of staring at the fire, the boy stared at the girl, willing her to speak what was on her mind.

"I can't stand this, Lucky. We should go back." A young Emily said to her best friend.

"C'mon Em. We're all the way out here, in the middle of the desert, just like you wanted. And now you want to go back? You were so set on leaving, I just don't get it."

"But I've realized that I have to stay with them. My mom wanted it that way. I'm just prolonging living with them…and letting her go."

"Oh, Em," Lucky began, laying a hand across her shoulders in support. "No one expects you to just forget about her. They don't want that, they just want to make the grief easier for you so you don't dwell on it. They want to help you go on, and Mrs. Q's never had a daughter so she doesn't know how to act. But they do care about you."

"And I care about Mrs. Q to…but my mom…"

"Your mom would've wanted you to help each other through your grief. I haven't known you that long, Em, but I know you would do anything to help people."

"I know. I'm willing to do anything, it's just hard."

Back to Present Time   



	7. Jason's Wedding Day

__

**Chapter Two – Jason's Wedding Day**

"Emily?" An older man saw the back of a girls head in the hallway, looking lost.

Emily turned around to face the voice, "Oh, hey Mike. How are you?" 

"Good. Glad you made it. Yourself?"

"Never better."

"Would you like to meet the bride? No time like the present." Mike opened a door. "Courtney? . . . This is Emily, Jason's sister."

The two girls shook hands. "Jason talks about you all the time. I'm so glad you could make it, you seem closer to him than other parts of the Quartermaines."

"Well, that's Jase."

"He really loves you, you know. He'd do anything for you, and he was so happy that you were excited about his marriage."

Emily ignored Courtney's first statement, and replied, "I'm glad he's happy. He deserves it."

Just then Sonny peeked his head in. "Time to go, el pequeño." 

"Well, see you later, nice meeting you Courtney." Emily said, grabbing onto Sonny's outstretched hand on the way out. 

Ten minutes later, the couple was being officially introduced as man and wife by the pastor when Emily grabbed for her forehead and collapsed, fainting. Monica ran over as Jason was scooping Emily off the floor. They took Emily to the hospital to get checked out, and she woke up a little later.

Jason was on one side of her bed when she woke up, Lucky on the other, Courtney leaning against the wall next to the doorway. Jason didn't even blink before speaking, "How could you keep this from me? How come you didn't tell me? All those times you wrote me, and you didn't say a thing!"

Lucky glanced at Courtney, and mouthed "Go tell everyone she's awake, but we'll be having a conversation before anyone else can come in here." Courtney glanced at Jason. Lucky saw and replied, "I'm staying." With that, she left.

Emily knew this was bad, that they had found out one of her secrets. "Why. Why should I have?"

"Nikolas was right." Jason and Emily both glanced at Lucky, who didn't even know the comment had come out of his mouth.

Fire burst into Emily's eyes, shooting daggers in Lucky's face, then at Jason. "What do you mean, Spencer! What was your brother right about?" 

"He said you didn't know when to stop. To stop protecting us, to stop helping us and help yourself. And its true, isn't it? Why didn't you even tell me about the cancer?"

"What was I supposed to do?" Emily started, "I didn't want to burden everyone. I came home during Spring Break one year ago. One day I was at Mercy for a checkup and Nikolas was there for a meeting. He saw me, found out from a nurse. I got so angry with him. So I just left after that."

"Without telling anyone where you were going? Without even telling Nik?" Jason put in.

"YES! Alright! Why should I have? Everyone had their own life, no one seemed to be paying attention when I left, I decided to leave it that way. I figured…"

Lucky cut in, seeing where this was headed, "…and no one would stop you? That's it… Should I call Nik? Find out what went on?"

"No. No. No." Emily repeated, over and over again, tears brimming. "It will make everything so much worse. He knows….no, no, just don't call him. Please, Lucky, don't."

Jason and Lucky left with promises to come back soon and that everyone would leave her alone for today, stepping out so that she could sleep.

"She still doesn't get it."

Jason stopped Lucky, who was muttering under his breath. "What do you mean?"

"…to stop. She'll never learn. It's in her nature, ever since we went to Arizona its like she made a pact to herself to help all of you, but forget about herself."

"I know she said for you not to call him…" Jason began, but Lucky interrupted.

"I knew she'd tell me that. Here is Nik's private number in Greece," Lucky said, pulling a small piece of yellow paper out of his pocket. "Just don't give him your 'I'm-jason-the-mob-enforcer', please just give him the 'I'm-emily's-sister' rant, alright."


	8. Cassadine Island Greece

**Chapter Three**

Cassadine Island, Greece 

Nikolas reached into his pocket for his ringing cell, watching the waves crash against the beach below. "Nikolas Cassadine"

"It's Jason Morgan."

Memories of Nikolas' life in Port Charles flashed before him, before resting on the fact that Jason had gotten married sometime in the last week. Emily had probably come home…oh, Em…had something happened? Where was she? Was she alright? Was she….Nikolas didn't even want to think about it. 

"Congratulations on your wedding…is she…"

"Emily's fine. She's in the hospital, but she's fine." Nikolas let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. "She collapsed at my wedding, and Monica ran tests here at GH and…"

"You all found out her secret."

"Why didn't you tell me? I know we're not good friends or anything, but we both know we'd do anything for Em."

"It was her secret to tell. I told her a years ago to tell someone, anyone. That she should lean on someone. But you know Emily, she thought it wasn't in the cards."

"I guess I do now. But she told Lucky not to call you. She had this fire in her eyes, she was so mad at all of us for finding out. Lucky had this whole talking in code conversation, it just drove me nuts." 

"So frankly, I should talk to Lucky. But I won't. I'll arrive in Port Charles sometime late tonight. Since Lucky knows how to watch out for when people get in to town, tell him to meet me at Wyndemere."

"That's all I need to know? What the hell happened between you and my sister?"

"You'll know soon enough, I'm just not the one to tell you. Just know that I would never do anything to hurt her. Can you trust me?"

"Yes. I'll give Lucky your message." Jason was heard sighing as he hung up.

"Mademoiselle?" Nikolas turned around.

"Yes, sir."

"Please tell them to get the jet ready as soon as possible. I would like to leave for Port Charles immediately." 

"Yes. Anything else, sir."

"Send some things over to Wyndemere. I shall be staying for at least a month for now. Let them know I am arriving tonight."

"I will call right away, your highness."

"Thank you."

**Back in Port Charles…**

"Lucky"

"Jason" 

"Nikolas has told me he's arriving sometime late tonight and that you would figure out when. Meet him at Wyndemere."

"Is he upset?"

"No, I guess not. I told him about you and Emily talking in code. I asked him what he did…Lucky…he swore he didn't, but if I find out…"

"Jason, he would do everything to protect her and nothing to hurt her. He knows her to well and it scares her, that's all."

"That's what he said."

"Then believe it. I don't know the whole story, I don't know why the two of them left at around the same time, I don't know where she's been, but it wasn't college."

"How do you know?"

"I did some digging last night. She dropped last year, said she put herself in some kind of center for a break. I think my brother knows more than what he's letting on, and I'm going to find out what."

**Port Charles, around 11pm, General Hospital**

"Lucky"

"I knew you would come here first, Nikolas."

"Didn't listen," Nikolas said.

"Never to you, big brother."

Both men looked towards the door that held their friend. Nikolas' face fell, his features lightened. He glanced back at Lucky.

"How is she…I mean, really, how is she."

"Holding up, as always. But back in her funk of a shell, trying to hide from all of us. I found out she dropped Stanford to go to some kind of clinic before coming back to Jason's wedding. She had fire in her eyes, she was so mad that I might call you to come see her. I gotta warn you man. She seems to be in a dream world or something, not wanting to face reality, talking to no one."

"Alright. Thanks. I'll meet you at Wyndemere later."

Lucky silently patted Nikolas' shoulder before walking away. "Good luck."

Nikolas walked in to find Emily asleep, locking the door behind him. He pulled the doctors stool over to the side of the bed, silently staring, amazed by how little had changed on the outside. He wondered what had made her change on the inside; face off to even Lucky, who was supposedly the only person to make her truly laugh in the world. He thought about the last times they were together, the last time he saw her in the garden. Twenty minutes went by and Emily's eyes lifted ever so slightly.

"Am I dreaming?"

"Only if you want to be." Nikolas replied, slowly opening his eyes more. 

"Good. I don't need to talk to you. Just see you." 

"Why do you think that is? Am I that good looking to you?" Nikolas suppressed the chuckle that wanted to escape.

"Because…I can't say. The therapists, they want me to say it, they know I'm thinking it, but I won't. Never."

"Why not? Why can't you tell someone? Even me?"

"Because then it will change. I'll matter. I'll have to live up to standards. Your standards." 

"Why my standards?"

"If I told you out of dreams that I loved you, you wouldn't love me back. You told me you cared once, and remember our fight? I started it, and I'm sorry." 

"I know you are, I've known for a long time."

"I'm always someone's friend…always helping…everyone always counts on me. But when it comes time for me to count on someone…they leave me."

Nikolas grabbed her hand, a silent protest raging in his head, but instead he replied lightly, "I know, honey, I know." 

Emily moved over, a little at a time. "Lay with me so I can dream something else. I can't stand talking to you anymore. It's too hard."

Nikolas slid up onto the bed, holding Emily to his side. "It's okay."

"Your really not here, are you? You'll never come back…" and with that, Emily fell back asleep, oblivious to their conversation, not even noticing she was awake and that Nikolas was really there.

He held her for a long time, for what seemed like eternity on the clock, but only a few seconds to him. Nikolas watched her ragged breathing turn slowly into calmness, knowing she was nearing happy thoughts again, no matter what they may be.

Nikolas reached over and turned on the radio, listening to the last few bars of the song before turning it off, thinking it was to ironic to listen to.

_I'm gonna smile my best smile  
And I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style  
Look into his eyes and pray that he don't see  
That learning to live again is killing me….  
Oh this learning to live again is killing me  
God this learning to live again is killing me…_

A few minutes past and Nikolas slowly moved out of the bed, covering Emily up again. Sitting on the stool, he just moved his hands to grasp hers, finally falling asleep himself, his head next to her stomach.

A few hours past and it was nearing 3am on his watch when he woke up. Unlocking the door, he turned to leave. Looking back once more, he whispered to no one in particular "God, I love you…."

**A few hours later, at Wyndemere in the study…**

Nikolas and Lucky sat silent for a long time, thinking about Emily, trying to figure out how to get her back to the way she was.

"It's bad Lucky. She thought she was dreaming. In the morning she won't remember I was there, and you must not let on that I am back from Greece. Only you and Jason will know. . . . I can't believe this."

"Why let her think that your not really here, that you didn't visit last night?" 

"It's better this way, at least for awhile. You don't understand the whole story between us. She can't tell you, so I'll try to fill you in so you at least understand. I only trust you with this because I don't know when she'll come out of her dream world. I'll have her past year story on my desk by afternoon." 

"How did you do that? I couldn't even find information of where she's been!"

"I've been having some of my guards follow her. Ever since she left Port Charles last year I've had her followed. I feel bad about it, but I had to know where she was. I couldn't just forget about her…but she asked me not to follow her, so I just had the guards not tell me. I told them to keep the information though."

"Jason hinted to me about your conversation, but…you really love her don't you?"

Nikolas ignored Lucky's questions and instead proceeded to a story.

"I was always busy with business, my infatuations with Katherine and Robin. I confided to Emily my every problem, and she would just sit by my side and offer advice. I never thought it would be stressful for her to hear, for her to deal with. But I soon began to realize what a toll we had all taken on her. You and Liz had broken up…" 

Lucky interrupted, "…and I dumped my problems on her too…"

"Right. Everyone was leaning on her. There was A.J.'s alcohol problems, Alan's pills, Monica's breakdowns, and the whole Michael fiasco which included Jason, Carly, and Sonny. It became to much for her, especially…especially after she found out about the cancer, or should I say I did. I found her at Mercy one day, I was there for a city clinic meeting, and I looked over doctors notes. I convinced her to come over to Wyndemere for dinner and tell me all about it." Nikolas sighed, hating himself little by little. "She had convinced herself that she didn't want to burden anyone else, that no one was to know. She swore me to secrecy, and I agreed. I don't know why, but I did. I tried to convince her to talk to someone, anyone. Instead she just kept on pilling hers and everyone else's problems on top of each other, forgetting about her health and taking care of herself for a change."

"Lucky, I started falling for her. How could I not? She wasn't a girl anymore; I was finding the strong-willed, loyal, woman inside her. She wasn't just my best friend…she was my soul mate."

"One night she called me when I was in my study, scared out of her mind about something. I didn't know what had happened, but I knew she needed to talk to someone. I told her to meet me in the gardens, and she did. I saw her that night…so broken. She couldn't find anyone to talk to, and… I just took her in my arms and asked her what was wrong. I was so terrified of losing her…and I told her so." 

"She left that night, angry, without saying a word to anyone. I only knew where she had gone because I had a guard follow her. All I know right now is that she enrolled in a therapy clinic in Australia. I'll have the report this afternoon."

Minutes ticked by into silence before Nikolas spoke again.

"I can't believe my last words to her. We had this big fight…"

Minutes went by before Lucky got his bearings to reply. "Nik, what did you say to her?"

Nikolas took a deep breath in and out, before replying.

"I asked her why she does everything in her power to protect everyone. Why she doesn't stop when it consumes her, why she doesn't let anyone know what she's feeling. She told me…god, Lucky…she told me she didn't deserve love! You know how much I wanted to; tried to, change her mind? Try and figure out why she felt that way? I don't think she understood herself. I think it scared her that I knew what she was thinking. She shut me out. Maybe that's why she left. She didn't know who she was anymore, so I suppose she thought she couldn't love anyone back. I was trying to love someone who didn't know herself. Maybe that's why she went there…to find herself, to figure it out. She may not know it, but it hurt me more to have her away from me than angry with me."

**The Next Day at GH…**

"Monica, we just can't."

"Why Jason? Why can't we tell her that Nikolas is here? Wouldn't that help her? Lucky?"

"I thought it would, but she woke up this morning still in that dreaming place. I talked to him last night about it, and he sounded so sure that we should keep him being in PC a secret. She's convinced herself that he doesn't care anymore." 

"But why would he come to visit her then, if she doesn't want to see him?" Monica's voice filled with worry over her daughter.

"Monica, she knows he loves him. That's what scares her." Jason said.

Lucky agreed. "We need to keep this a secret, between us. I have a feeling he'll be coming in at night to see her, so that won't give anyone the chance to even know he's here. No one visits during the night."

"I guess I will allow that…if only it gets her better. I don't know what she's been through. I've requested a check of her records and it shows she's been in Australia in a therapy clinic. Just think, my baby in a clinic, needing therapy. What was she thinking?"

All were silent, since no one knew the answer…

**Chapter Four: A Hospital Visit Recorded…**

_Nearly two months later, Emily seemed out of her dream state while talking with Lucky. _

"Lucky…I need to ask you something."

"Anything." 

"I'm feeling better now. I'd like you to call Nikolas, get in touch with him."

"Why? What brought this on all the sudden?"

"Its hard to explain…I used to have these dreams, these conversations. But for the last week, I haven't. Lucky, I'm sorry…"

"It's alright, Em. What's so wrong about not having them anymore? What kind of dreams were they?" 

"I'm beginning to miss it, those short conversations that we would say hello and sit there in perfect silence… You know about Australia now, all I went through – because I told you. But I think Nik needs to know to, since he was the one that pushed me to the point."

"You miss him, uh?"

"Hey, he'd probably never admit it either."

"Nik…"

"What Lucky? What am I supposed to say to that? You're so smart, you even could have fabricated that tape!"

"You knew I was taping her, Monica even knew. Heck, it was Jason's idea so don't blame me for something like this. You knew she would think it was all a dream, it was even your idea."

"It's complicated." 

Lucky gave a smirk. "Yeah, about as complicated as two fictional characters in love. Ha. Man, your life is like one big soap opera."

Ignoring his comment, Nikolas simply replied, "I'll talk to her tomorrow. Do you think she'll buy my 'emergency half-a-day plane ride' to see her?"

**Chapter Six: Home is where my heart is…**

Emily opened her eyes a little as she heard her door open just after 6pm, two hours past visiting time. Assuming it was a nurse, she proceeded to close her eyes back into sleep.

"Your mom said I could come in, since I just landed. I didn't want to wait until tomorrow, Lucky made it sound important."

Emily's eyes slowly opened, not believing who it was – for real. "Nik?"

"Yeah, its me. Who else could travel half way around the world in half a day." 

"Lucky should've not made it seem so important." 

"Hey, are you telling me I should've waited until tomorrow? That your not that important to me, that I would not have to utter the word 'immediately' to get me to see you?..." Nikolas said in a sarcastic tone, half-grinning.

"Oh no." Emily said, laughing. "That princely ego is back."

"Well, at least I made you laugh. How are you?"

"Fine. Beginning to, anyway. Why did you come so soon? What did Lucky say?"

"All he said was 'Emily would like to see you. She's back in town'. That's all. I called to Mrs. Landsbury, 'I'm going home!' and she was overjoyed, especially when she figured I would be seeing a girl."

"I've always enjoyed her, you know, she's something."

"Yes, the whole women's-intuition and always trying to get me to 'see the light' and fall in love, you know. She thinks your pretty special to. She sends her love, and this card." Nikolas handed Emily an envelope, which she tore into gracefully.

_"Dear Miss Emily, so glad to see you are doing well. Come visit us soon, I know this place would lighten up – and so would Master Nikolas. Yours, Mrs. Landsbury. _Oh, isn't she great."

"Well, would you? You can return tonight with me, or even visit tomorrow if you like."

"Let me guess, you've worked it out with my mom and the hospital?"

"Sure, and Mrs. Landsbury's always right you know. Wyndemere is cold and dark without you."

"But what about you?"

"Are we going to go through this again?" Nikolas gave her a sideways glance. "You are one of the most important people in my life. I know I haven't seen you in over a year, and we haven't even talked."

Emily interrupted, "Oh, yes we have. In my dreams."

"What do you mean?" Nikolas said, trying to hide his secret.

"We talked. You sat with me, even when I didn't want you here." Emily said, and Nikolas immediately noticed a glint in her eye.

"And what else? There is that small glint in your eyes that only I notice, after all."

"…I've never felt so safe in anyone's arms but yours. Not even when I was little and I used to run to Jason, or hide with Lucky in Arizona. . . I'm so glad your back."

**Weeks later, Wyndemere…**

"Good evening Miss Emily."

"Nice to see you Mrs. Landsbury. How are you?"

"Very good. Master Nikolas is in his study, pouring over this weeks reports. I'm sure you can cheer him up, take him away from his work. He does trust you the most."

"Yes, he does."


	9. Part Three: Dreams to Reality

**Part Three: Dreams Turn Into Reality**

_Nothing had ever felt more natural to Nikolas than sitting in this dark room on this couch, holding this woman to him. This woman who had been broken and put back together far too many times in her young life...a woman who's shattered strength he now held onto as tightly as she held onto him. _

"Em?"

"Yeah?"

"…do you love me?" 

"…more than ever. Why?"

"…because…well…will you marry me?"

Emily sat up, just staring into his eyes. "Are you…serious?"

Nikolas looked down at their hands, intertwined, and whispered a simple, "Yes".

"I can't believe that they made it. You are truly destined to be together." Elizabeth began. "They asked me to pick the first dance song, and I chose Tim McGraw and the Dancehall Doctor's All We Ever Find. Because they've found each other, time and time again. I can go back to the days where Emily crushed on Nikolas, and Nikolas didn't seem to care. I can go forward in time a little to say that Nikolas fell in love with the woman Emily had become, whereas Emily felt that it wasn't real. A year apart, and both came back into each others lives through horrible complications, but they seemed to work it out. I am honored to be apart of their wedding day… and now the best man would like to say something".

"Thanks Liz. That was sweet. My best friend and my brother, what can I say? Both of you have flipped my life upside down, for the better. Emily has always been my little 'brat', and it didn't surprise me that Nikolas could make her happy – he does have a title after all." Nikolas shook his head at Lucky as the whole ballroom clapped in amusement. "My brat deserves a fairy tale, and I always told her she'd someday get it. I'm just glad my brother wasn't giving up, or I would have had to do some Spencer damage control. I wish them both the best, wherever they may live, whatever they may do. Cheers!"

After raising their glasses, the guests cleared a circle in the middle of the ballroom as the bride and groom walked out to their first dance as a married couple.

_Say exactly how you feel  
Right now you're free to say it all  
There is no one here to judge you  
I only love you  
You're free to close your eyes and fall  
You can trust me, this is real  
Say exactly how you feel_

"Don't you…don't you know that I love you?" Nikolas asked, thinking back.

"I can't believe that day, what I said. I'm sorry I was scared."

_Tell me all your dreams  
And what you think love means  
We'll lock the world outside  
Embrace the gift of time  
Promising forever  
Knowing that this momen  
t Might be all we ever find_

"Baby, its alright. No matter how you feel, you can always be honest with me."

"I know that…now."

_Every breath of who you are  
Tells a story that I love  
I have finally found the truth  
In what I see in you  
And what I feel with every touch  
The simple beauty of your heart  
In every breath of who you are…_

"Are you sure you didn't want anyone else?" Emily asked, finally looking into his eyes. "…I mean, are you happy you chose me?"

Nikolas replied with a solemn oath, "You are my dream, you're always and forever the one for me. The story of you I can live with, no matter how 'screwed up' you may think you are."

_Tell me all your dreams  
And what you think love means  
We'll lock the world outside  
Embrace the gift of time  
Promising forever  
Knowing that this moment  
Might be all we ever find_

"So where do you want to go?" 

"Anywhere. As long as we're together."

"Well, I think I can do that."

_Tell me all your dreams And what you think love means We'll lock the world outside Embrace the gift of time Promising forever Knowing that this moment Might be all we ever find_

Minutes went by as they flew across the floor. 

"…Thank you."

"For what, Em?"

"Promising forever."

_Promising foreve  
Knowing that this moment  
Might be all we ever find_

Tim McGraw & The DanceHall Doctors / All We Ever Find


End file.
